


Rainbow Sprinkles

by gwa_fanfic



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Benarmie - kinda, Brendol Hux's A+ Parenting, Crying, Depression, Food Issues, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soft Kylux, child abuse (referenced), f-slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-23 10:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9650786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwa_fanfic/pseuds/gwa_fanfic
Summary: Hux is not gay.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Did you read **all** the tags? Take care, bud. 
> 
> Huge shoutout to Alex AKA [AbschaumNo](http://abschaumno1.tumblr.com)1 for being a pal and reading through this and telling me it doesn't suck and fixing some mistakes and also helping me figure out the title and summary although I accidentally insulted her favorite snack. <3
> 
> edit: While rereading this, I found that I had included a kind of cisnormative reply in this story. I'll keep it in but I thought I should give a heads up.

Hux is not gay. 

If Hux was gay, Hux’s father would disown him. 

So he isn’t. 

Gay. 

If Hux felt attraction towards men, Hux’s father would kill him. 

So he doesn’t. Feel that. 

Hux spends his days at college studying. So he is too busy to be anything but perfectly straight anyway. 

Hux lives off campus, and so he doesn’t run the risk of having to room with anyone potentially gay. 

He has an inkling Phasma might be gay, but he won’t ask her to confirm his suspicions, because everything is so much easier if he just doesn’t know. If she is gay. Phasma is the only person who can help him with his studies, because everyone else is less intelligent than them. So he just won’t ask her. 

He won’t ask her about Rey, because it seems if he were to ask about that, it would open that can of worms. 

He won’t ask Phasma about Rey’s cousin, Kylo, because… well, because Hux isn’t gay. 

It’s 5am and Hux is waiting for the bakery near campus to open, because he got in late last night after a ten hours long study session and didn’t have the energy to go grocery shopping, although he desperately needed to. He needs to ace today’s exam more than he needs to eat, though, and so he will persist on a donut, an indulgence, and a cup of coffee for the morning, get through that exam, and then work at refilling his fridge before it’s back to studying for Friday’s exam. 

Hux checks his watch, then the opening hours again. Whoever works at Solo’s, the bakery, doesn’t seem to take punctuality all that seriously. Hux seriously hates people sometimes. (Oftentimes.)

When the light inside switches on, his stomach starts to growl. He hasn’t eaten anything after Phasma and him ordered pizza for lunch yesterday. 

Someone appears on the other side of the glass door and when Hux meets the person’s eyes, it’s Kylo. 

Staring at him. 

Hux blushes and looks down, away, at the knob of the door. It takes a moment until Kylo resumes and keys it open from the inside. 

“Hux,” he says. Monotone. Surprised. “Morning.”

Hux looks up at him. “It’s three minutes past five.”

“...Yes?”

“I am a busy man, Kylo. Let me in.” Hux pushes past Kylo and comes to stand in front of the counter. He taps his foot impatiently. He has never seen Kylo walk this slowly, he thinks. Not that he was watching.

“What can I get you?” asks Kylo, once behind the counter. 

Hux points at a donut glazed with chocolate. He ignores the one with the rainbow sprinkles next to it, although it looks delicious. “One of those. And a coffee. Grande.” 

“We’re not Starbucks,” Kylo says, amused. He picks up the tongs and shakes his hair out of his face. 

“Fine, a large one, th-- No, not those! The chocolate one.”

“You want the rainbow one,” Kylo says, stopping in his motion of picking up the donut. 

Hux puffs out air. “I do not!” 

“You don’t even like chocolate!” Kylo rebuffs. 

Hux is taken aback for a moment, because how does Kylo know? “That’s ridiculous,” he says. “Everyone likes chocolate!” 

“You don’t.” Kylo sounds so sure.

“Give me the chocolate one. I don’t have time for this.” Hux glares at Kylo. Seriously, how does he know?

Kylo glares back and they are in a staring battle. Hux is on a schedule. This is ridiculous. “How would you even know?” he blurts out, although he doesn’t have the time to further engage in this ridiculous conversation. 

“I have my ways,” Kylo says mysteriously. Smirking.

“Kylo.” 

“Hux.” 

“I’m going to be late.” Hux says this softly and Kylo’s face does something Hux doesn’t know how to read. Kylo nods, then he picks up the chocolate donut and puts it in a box. Hux lets out a relieved sigh. “And a large coffee,” he says, looking away to root in his messenger bag for his wallet. 

When he looks back up, the donut box and a large coffee sit on the counter. 

“It’s on me,” Kylo says, holding up a hand when Hux wants to give him the money he owes. 

Hux scowls. That just won’t do. He can’t just let a guy buy him coffee. He opens his mouth. ready to protest, thrusting the bill forward, but Kylo interrupts him. 

“For delaying your morning,” Kylo reasons. He pushes the coffee and box a bit towards Hux. “I know how much you appreciate punctuality.” 

“Unlike you,” Hux huffs, picking up his purchases. Non-purchases. This is so confusing. “Thanks,” he says, because he has manners. 

Kylo smiles at him and Hux turns around to leave. 

His stomach feels funny as he walks towards campus and he thinks it must be the hunger. Or the upcoming exam. Definitely not the confusing conversation with Rey’s cousin. He takes a sip of his coffee, then pinches it carefully between his chest and arm to open the donut box.

He stops in his tracks. 

Rainbow sprinkles. 

Hux… feels tired all of a sudden. 

At least Kylo had the decency to put in the chocolate one, too. Hux picks it up and pops it into his mouth, closes the box and pushes it into his messenger bag angrily. 

He has an exam to write and Kylo… Kylo doesn’t deserve his thoughts. So he won’t think about him. Or what he did. Or the metaphorical gay flag in his bag. Or why he didn’t throw it out. 

He writes his exam, but he doesn’t feel good about it. That’s not a good sign. Hux knows when he fucked up an exam and this one, he definitely did. And it’s all Kylo’s fault. Stupid, distracting Kylo. 

Hux hopes he still managed a 95% quote or his father won’t be pleased. 

Hux hates Kylo. 

Later, at home, he finds the box with the gay donut in his bag as he takes out his notes. He looks at it a while. 

Hux never throws away food, unless it’s gone bad. But he can’t… won’t… He takes the donut and puts it in the fridge. In his empty fridge. He curses. He forgot to go grocery shopping again. 

He is exhausted. He is always exhausted these days. 

He looks at the clock on his oven. There would still be time to pick up some groceries, but he doesn’t feel like cooking. He could order take out but he already indulged once today. With that stupid donut that had his mind pre-occupied the whole day. 

Hux goes to bed hungry. 

He wakes up hungry. 

He showers, remembers he doesn’t have coffee, curses, puts on clothes, takes the donut out of the fridge, glares at it for a moment, then he steps into his shoes and, donut box in hand, makes his way to Solo’s. 

He swings the door open, ready to yell at Kylo for ruining his exam, but it’s not Kylo behind the counter, but instead a rough looking man his father’s age. The man raises his eyebrow at him, waiting. 

Hux shakes his head. He steps up to the counter. “One large coffee, please.” 

The man gets to work at making the coffee. He fumbles with the knobs of the machine and grumbles. “Sorry,” he addresses Hux when he notices his judging look. He looks sheepish. “My kid’s usually the coffee wizard but it’s his free day today. Ah, there we go.” 

“You’re Kylo’s dad?” Hux blurts out. He blushes when the guy’s eyes look on him. 

“You know Ben, huh?” 

“Who?” Hux frowns, confused. He doesn’t know any Bens.

“Nevermind. Your coffee.” 

Hux takes the coffee and pays. He nods at the man and turns around. When he grips the door handle, the man clears his throat behind him. “Listen, kid,” he says. Hux stops. “Be nice to my boy, yeah?” 

Hux looks over his shoulder. 

“Boy’s been through some things, ya know? If you like him…” the man shrugs, as if that means something. 

“...Okay…” Hux turns back around and leaves. 

A week and a half later, he is in Phasma’s kitchen. It’s going on midnight and they are there to celebrate her birthday. It’s a small crowd, which Hux is both grateful for and anxious about. Some time ago, he had heard Rey and Kylo arrive and their voices have been getting closer and closer, as they talked to people in the hallway. Hux is in deep conversation with Mitaka. Except he is not talking, and he is also not really listening. His ears are totally tuned in to Kylo’s steady approach. 

He’s watching the kitchen doorway, then looking down and scolding himself for it, before his eyes travel back there. The fiftieth time or so he has gone through this routine he looks back up and meets Kylo’s eyes. 

Kylo smiles at him and Hux… Hux can’t breathe for a moment. Then he reminds himself that he isn’t gay, and he looks away, and he excuses himself from Mitaka, and he runs away to the bathroom.

The bathroom is occupied and so Hux has to hover in the hallway and bite his lips and hope Kylo won’t follow him here, because he gets snappy when he is anxious, which he is right now, and he promised Kylo’s dad he would be nice. 

Not promised, technically. But you just do what fathers tell you. That’s just the way the world works. 

“Hux,” someone says behind him and Hux jumps. 

“Yeesh, what’s up with you?” Phasma looks at him, stunned. 

“Uh, I’m.” Hiding. But he doesn’t want to admit that. The bathroom door opens and a guy with a huge, drunken smile and dark skin stumbles out. Hux points at the open door. “I need to.” 

He closes the door behind him. He leans against the wash basin and takes a deep breath. And another. 

He lets the water run and cups his hands to gather some of it to refresh his face. A knock sounds. “I’m fine, Phas!” Hux yells through the closed door. 

“It’s Kylo,” Not Phasma replies. 

“Oh,” Hux says. 

“Can I come in?” Kylo asks. 

“No!” Hux yells, but Kylo is already opening the door and before Hux knows what’s happened he is in a small enclosed space with another man and this is not good. This is not good at all. “I said no,” he says weakly. 

Kylo just looks at him, and Hux notices his chest is very broad. 

“You never listen when I say no,” he tells Kylo’s chest. 

Kylo just keeps looking at him. “So stop saying no.” 

“Why do you know I hate chocolate?” The thought hadn’t let him go. He looks up. 

“You made a face when Phasma brought you hot chocolate to the library last winter.” 

“I still drank it.”

“Yeah.” 

“I could have just not liked a beverage like that being so close to the books! It’s technically not allowed to bring anything but water.” 

Kylo grins. “That’s why you gulped it down so fast. Then you grimaced again and discarded the cup as soon as you could.” 

Hux blushes. 

Kylo, impossibly, takes a step closer. Hux wants to take a step back, because this is dangerous, but he is pinned, his lower back against the wash basin. Kylo could take another step and press against him. Hux… Hux doesn’t want it. (He wants it, but he can’t have it.) 

“Then you continued to glare at each one of us, Phas, Rey and me, each time we moved our cups of hot chocolate around.” Amusement colors Kylo’s voice. 

“Some of those books are unique,” Hux says, his voice coming out a bit strangled. 

Kylo’s grin widens. 

“I don’t hate chocolate,” Hux says. 

“Do you hate me?” Kylo asks.

“N-no…” 

“I want to kiss you, Hux.” 

Hux swallows. Kylo’s eyes are so big. 

“You can’t,” Hux whispers. 

“Why?” 

“Because I. I can’t.” 

“That’s too bad.” Kylo gives him a sad smile. 

Hux closes his eyes. Something touches his cheek. It’s only a finger first, then a whole hand, cupping it. Kylo’s thumb brushes over Hux’s cheekbone and Hux takes in a shuddering breath. 

Someone pounding on the door makes them jump apart and Hux starts to panic. If someone sees them in here together surely they will think… but they are entrapped. No way of escape. 

“Who’s in there?” It’s Rey. Maybe Kylo can explain to her that they didn’t do anything. Maybe she won't tell anyone. Hux is breathing kind of funny. 

“Go away, Rey!” Kylo shouts. 

“I need to fucking pee!” 

Hux is having a panic attack, he thinks. He looks up at Kylo, pleading. But what can he even do? Fuck. His dad will find out. But he didn’t even do anything! Fuck! 

“Breathe,” Kylo whispers, gripping Hux’s neck. “Go pee in the yard, I’m pooping in here!” he yells through the door. 

“Ew! TMI!” 

A hysterical giggle bubbles up Hux’s throat and he presses a hand to his mouth to intercept it. Kylo looks at him. He looks concerned. 

“Open a fucking window!” Rey shouts, her voice receding. 

Kylo presses his ear to the door and listens. “She’s gone. Let me check if anyone’s out there.”

Hux grips Kylo’s arm before he can open the door. His eyes feel wide. 

“It’s okay, Hux. No one will notice, yeah? Trust me?” 

Hux considers this, as much as his panicked brain will let him. He releases his grip. Kylo opens the door and slips out. Then he leans back in and pulls Hux out. The hallway is blessedly empty. Hux slumps against the wall, relieved. 

Kylo leans against the wall opposite him. 

“Sorry,” he says after a while. “I didn’t think…” He shrugs. The gesture reminds Hux so much of Kylo’s father. 

Hux doesn’t reply, still trying to even out his breathing. 

“There you are.” Phasma comes down the hallway, looking back and forth between them. “Am I interrupting something?” 

Hux shakes his head. “Nope,” Kylo says. He nods at Hux and pushes off the wall, then walks away. Hux doesn’t meet Phasma’s eyes. “It’s late,” he says. 

“You’re going to leave?” 

“Yeah. I mean… if that’s okay with you.” Hux meets her eyes. “I’m tired.” He is. In more than one way. 

Two weeks later Hux finds himself in his father’s office. Hux’s father has called him in here and he has shut the door behind them, and Hux hopes his mother won’t have to clean out a cut on his face again like that one time Brendol “accidentally” elbowed him. Or the other times, when he not at all accidentally backhanded him for “disobeying” him. Or the dozen times when he punched him “for his own good”.

As soon as Brendol said “Son.” Hux knew the possibility of getting out of here bloody had increased by a good 85%. He braced himself, and followed his father inside his office, trying not to displease him further and frantically trying to figure out what he had done wrong this time. 

Brendol stares him down and Hux doesn’t dare look away. It’s a sign of weakness, and Brendol Hux’s son is not allowed to be weak, ever, he has learned on a bunch of occasions. 

“How is school going, Armitage?” 

“Good, Sir.” 

“Yeah? Are you taking your studies seriously, son?” 

“Yes, Sir. Very.”

Brendol hums. 

“No partying?” 

Hux clenches his hands. Brendol notices. 

“We celebrated my friend Phasma’s birthday a couple of weeks back, but other than that, I am concentrated on my exams.” 

“That’s good. You know I’ll find out if you lie to me, right?” 

Hux swallows. His father is a major donor to the university and friends with a couple of Hux’s profs. “I know, Sir.” 

“Paul told me your last exam was a 98%.” 

The one after the rainbow sprinkles incident. 

Brendol continues, “Next time a 100% and we won’t have to have these kind of talks. Keep that in mind, son.” 

Hux nods. 

Brendol looks at him some more. Then he motions to the door. Hux takes it for the dismissal that it is. He breathes out, but he felt too safe too early. 

“And son?” Brendol’s voice is icy. “Do I need to tell you that Han Solo’s son is a faggot?” 

Hux freezes. “Han Solo?” he asks, confusion making him reckless. He should not have to ask who his father is talking about. It’s just failure on his side on not being informed. 

“Solo’s. He owns that bakery.” 

Kylo. 

His father knows about Kylo. 

Hux is paralyzed. 

“Stop associating with that boy, immediately, you hear me?” 

“I don’t.” 

“What did I tell you about lying?” Brendol raises his voice and Hux is walking a fine line. He turns around and meets his father’s eyes. 

“I barely know him, Sir.” 

“Mr. Mitaka’s son saw you two together.” 

“Once.” 

Brendol pushes out of his chair. Hux flinches, barely. 

“What is this? Backtalk?”

“No.” Hux straightens up further. “Sir.”

Brendol eyes him. Then he says, “leave”, and Hux doesn’t run from the room, but he wants to. 

His mother meets him at the door, her eyes travelling over his body. “I’m okay,” Hux tells her, and she looks relieved. She kisses his cheek and helps him get into his coat. 

Hux goes home. 

He doesn’t know how to avoid Kylo without avoiding Rey without avoiding Phasma and so he doesn’t hang out with his best (only) friend for a couple of weeks. By week four he is so starved of personal interaction that he babbles about his day to anyone that will listen. The personnel in the mensa. The grocery store guy. The homeless guy he passes on his way to campus each week. 

Phasma seems to have given up on trying to make sense of Hux’s sudden disappearance and has stopped nagging him with text messages. 

One day of week five Hux starts crying over dinner and can’t stop until he is so exhausted he falls asleep on the couch. He wakes up at four a.m., paranoid, hoping his father hasn’t installed cameras in his apartment. He can never see Hux cry. 

Slowly all feeling vanishes and Hux goes numb. He goes through his days doing what he has to, then sleeping, and waking to another day of endless studying and bad, bland food and even worse sleep.

One night he is at the grocery store and stares at the shelves full of cereal, having problems deciding which one to buy, not because he wants all of them, but because he just doesn’t care. 

That’s when Kylo finds him. 

“Hux?” Kylo’s voice sounds weird. Hux turns around. Kylo’s eyebrows are drawn together and Hux thinks that emotion he can see on Kylo’s face is called concern. 

“You look like shit,” Kylo says. “Are you sick?” 

“No.”

“Then what’s up? Where’ve you been? Phasma is freaked out.”

“Been busy.” Hux shrugs. He turns back towards the cereal. “What kind do you like?” he asks. He doesn’t know why. 

“Uh…” Kylo steps up next to him. He reaches out to pull a box out of the shelf. “These…” 

“Cool.” Hux takes the box from Kylo’s slack hand. “Thanks.” He puts the box into his shopping basket and walks deeper into the store. Kylo follows him. 

“Uh, Hux?”

“Hm?” Hux finds it really hard to find any of the foods interesting, he realizes. 

“These are with chocolate.” Kylo says, as if that means something. He pulls the box out of Hux’s basket. 

“Oh.” Hux looks at the box. “Okay.” He takes the box back and puts it into his basket again. 

He turns around and starts towards the checkout. Kylo intercepts him with a hand on his biceps. 

“Hux,” he says. “Look at me.” 

Hux is so tired that he just does. He just looks at Kylo. Kylo is beautiful. But there is a frown on his face. Hux doesn’t like the frown. 

“Talk to me,” Kylo demands, and that is a bit harder than just looking at Kylo. 

“I… don’t know. I... “ Hux looks around. He doesn’t know what to talk about. The weather maybe? Was the weather good today? Was it good this week? 

“Okay,” Kylo says under his breath. “Phasma is officially not the only one being freaked out here anymore." 

“How is Phasma?” There. A subject to talk about. 

“I don’t know. Let’s. Let’s go see, yeah?” Kylo gently pulls the shopping basket from Hux’s grip and puts the thing down right there. He cups Hux’s elbow and guides him out of the store and towards where Phasma lives.

When they arrive at Phasma’s door, Hux is exhausted. He feels a bit dizzy. He tells Kylo, because Kylo is right there. 

“Fuck,” Kylo hisses and he pushes the elevator button a couple of times as if that would make it appear faster. They get into the elevator and then Hux is in Phasma’s kitchen and he is drinking a coke. He thinks. His taste buds are kind of wonky lately. 

The world comes back to him little by little and when he looks around, three pairs of concerned eyes are looking at him. He blushes. 

“Hi?” he says hesitantly. 

“Hux.” That’s Phasma’s not-pleased voice. It has a bit of worry and a bit of relief mixed into it. “Tell us what is going on.” 

“Yes,” Rey says. “You look like shit.” 

“Kylo already told m-- oh. Kylo.” Hux look at Kylo. “You’re here. I’m… here.” Hux pushes out of his seat. “I… That. I need to go.” 

Phasma pushes Hux back down in his seat. “You’re going nowhere until you explain yourself.”

Hux glares at her. “You’re not my father.” 

Phasma pulls back her face in confusion so far that a double chin appears. “O...kay? That’s a weird. I mean… I do miss the genitals for that comparison.” 

Hux takes a sip of coke. He is kind of… in need of nutrition, he thinks. “Do you have something to eat?” 

Kylo jumps from the counter and rips open the kitchen cabinet. Phasma glares at him. “The frigde,” Rey directs helpfully. “There’s still chocolate cake.”

“Hux hates chocolate,” Kylo explains. He looks into the fridge anyways. “How old is this pizza?!” He looks at it closer. “Nevermind.” He throws it into the trash. Hux wants more coke so he gets up and walks to join Kylo in front of the fridge and pulls out the bottle of soda out of the fridge’s door. He takes the piece of chocolate cake from the shelf and pulls a spoon from Phasma’s cutlery drawer. He sits back down and starts to eat. 

He really does hate chocolate, but he is so hungry all of a sudden. 

“He doesn’t seem to be as opposed to chocolate as you think,” Rey tells Kylo. Kylo stares at Hux, ignoring her. 

Hux finishes the plate in the range of seconds and then he pushes against the back of the chair and announces, “I’m tired.” 

Phasma nods, pulls the spoon from his hand and pulls him up. She guides him to her bedroom, where Kylo and Rey watch from the hallway as she pulls off his jacket and shoes and makes him lie down. She wraps him into her covers and then Hux falls asleep. 

Hux wakes up the next day at noon. He knows it’s noon because Phasma has a huge clock on her wall. Hux starts to panic immediately until he remembers it’s Sunday and there aren’t any classes today. 

He sits up and feels a bit dizzy. He shuffles out of bed and makes his way to Phasma’s kitchen, where he finds her sipping at her coffee. Phasma glares at him. “Sit your tiny ass down,” she commands. Hux does. 

Phasma gets up and pours a cup of coffee for him. She lets him drink half of it until she starts talking. 

“Tell me what happened. I was worried. Fuck, I am. Look at you. You’re… fucked.” 

Tears spring to Hux’s eyes and he takes another sip of his coffee until he gets it back under control. 

“I’m okay, Phas,” he says. He doesn’t sound very convincing to his own ears and the look on Phasma’s face tells him she doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. 

Hux sighs. 

“Are… Kylo and Rey still here?” 

“No, they went home. Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m… not. I just. Look, it’s… kind of complicated.” 

“I’m a PhD candidate, Hux. I think I can handle complicated.” 

Hux sighs again. “It’s not really complicated…” 

Phasma waits him out. 

“I’m not gay, Phas.” 

Phasma’s eyebrows hit her hairline. “That’s… okay? So what, you’re bi?”

“No. I’m straight.” 

Phasma doesn’t say anything and Hux looks up. Phasma looks at him, considering. 

“Okay,” she says. “If you… say so? What does this have to do with anything?” 

“I can’t hang out with gay people.”

“I’m--”

“Please don’t,” Hux pleads. “Don’t say it.” His eyes feel wet again. 

Phasma shuts her mouth, confusion apparent on her face. “Hux, what the fuck are you even talking about?” 

“I told you, it’s complicated.” A tear runs down his face and he swipes it away with the back of his hand. Other tears follow and his hand can’t handle the work anymore and so he puts down the cup of coffee and buries his face in his hands. 

This is embarrassing. But it also feels good. A sob breaks through and soon Hux is held by long arms and Phasma whispers “heyyy, it’s okay, it’s okay” into his hair and even though he knows it isn’t, and won’t ever be, it makes him feel better. 

“Phas,” he sobs. “Phas, I… I’m not gay, but. But.” 

“Breathe, Hux.” 

“But Kylo, he is, right?” Another sob. “Right?”

“You sure you want me to tell you? 

Hux just sobs harder. 

“Yeah, he is, Hux. And so am I.”

“I know,” Hux sobs. “I… fuck. I know.”

Phasma holds him until the sobs subside and then she makes him a new cup of coffee and doesn’t make him explain what all this was about. 

“You’re not a homophobe,” Phasma says later into the day when they sit and watch some episodes of Friends. She sounds sure about it, and Hux guesses that he isn’t. But that doesn’t change anything. 

“My father is, though,” Hux says quietly, not looking away from the TV screen.

Phasma takes Hux’s hand and squeezes it, and she doesn’t let it go for the whole time they sit there on the couch, two friends watching Friends. 

Hux feels kind of better with Phasma back in his life. He ignores the voice in his head, sounding like his father, that calls him weak for not being able to stay away from her and stay, well, more than barely functioning at the same time. 

But then, that voice has been calling him weak all his life. In the flesh, and in his mind, and it’s much easier to deal with than not meeting up with Phasma. Even though after his confession it’s all kind of stilted and awkward. 

Hux knows he isn’t being logical. That someone on the outside can’t really understand why he is acting the way he is. They can try, and Phasma definitely does, but they haven’t grown up with Brendol Hux as their father. 

One night, when they sit on the couch, continuing their Friends binge-watch, Phasma sets her box of Lo mein on the coffee table and turns towards him. Hux sets down his Beef & Broccoli and mirrors her. He owes her that much. 

“So. Hux.” Phasma starts awkwardly. She isn’t usually one to talk about feelings and Hux had always appreciated that in her. “I have a question.” 

Hux nods. He twists his hands. Then he nods for her to continue. 

“You’re twenty.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you… I mean. Look, I know you said you’re not gay but… we both know that’s a lie. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re bi. Though I’ve never seen you check out a girl... Anyways… You’re twenty friggin’ years old! So why do you still let your dad control you like that?” 

Hux has wondered the same. It comes down to the money. The money for school. His dad is paying for it, and Hux has no way of paying the fees himself. And he wants to finish his studies. He didn’t make it through twenty years of being Brendol Hux’s disappointment of a son to just give up now, before he holds at least something good in his hands. Something that will give him a future. A future away from his father. 

Hux explains all this to Phasma, and once he is done, he flops back against the sofa and sighs. 

“I know I’m a coward,” he says. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Phasma says. “No, you aren’t.”

Hux sends her a tired smile. After a moment, Phasma smiles back. Then her smile becomes gleeful. 

“So… you seriously never sucked dick?!” 

Hux chokes on spit. 

“Phas!”

“What?” 

Hux blushes. 

“Oh. My. God.” Phasma says. “You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” 

Hux’s glare joins his blush. “I’m not a prude!”

“Didn’t say you were. ”

Hux grimaces. “I’m not.”

“Yeah, Hux, I didn’t--”

“Not a virgin.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah…” 

“But… like… with a dude?”

Hux grimaces. He hunches his shoulders. “No,” he says. “Until a week ago I was perfectly straight, remember?” He smiles self-deprecatingly. 

“And now?” Phasma asks. Hux has never heard her voice get this soft. 

“I don’t know.”

Phasma looks at him for a while as Hux fiddles with the sofa cushion. Then she nods, taking it at face value. “You want a cocoa?” she asks, getting up. 

“Uh.. sure, uh, _no_ , you know what. No.” 

Phasma angles her head a little. “Okaaaay?”

“Do you have, uh, tea, by any chance?” 

Phasma smiles. “I do indeed.”

The next week Phasma comes by unannounced and pushes past Hux as soon as he opens the door. “You’ve got an appointment with Student Support Services and here is some information on which stipends you could apply for. You’re an A+ student, Hux. I can’t believe you have never considered this.” She shoves a bunch of pamphlets into his hand. 

Hux frowns down at them. “Who says I haven’t?” 

Hux had indeed considered going that way on a bunch of occasions. Mostly as he held a bag of frozen peas to the side of his face. But it never seemed… feasible. 

He puts the pamphlets on his coffee table and once Phasma has left again, after making him promise to look into them, he stares at them for a while and decides to leave them be for now. He goes to bed. 

When Kylo shows up a couple of days later and Hux gets over the shock of Kylo knowing where he lives and Kylo seeking him out there, the pamphlets still lie on the table. Hux has been taught manners and so he invites Kylo in and makes him a coffee. He tells Kylo to sit down on the sofa while he prepares coffee in the kitchen and when he returns with two mugs in his hand, Kylo is flicking through one of the pamphlets. Hux comes to a halt in the doorway. He resumes walking when Kylo looks up. 

“You getting a stipend?” he asks, holding up one of the pamphlets. “I thought your family is rich or something.” 

Hux takes a second to consider what to answer. Making a show of setting down the mugs on the table gives him a bit of reprieve. He plops down next to Kylo, making sure to leave enough space between them. “Phasma brought them by. I haven’t really looked.”

“I have stipends,” Kylo says and Hux’s head whips around. Kylo smiles knowingly. 

“Isn’t your family ‘rich or something’?” Hux asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Kylo smirks. Then he shrugs and picks up his coffee. “Anyways, I can help you with applications for some. I’ve applied to most of these.” 

“You have?” 

“What. You don’t think I’m intelligent enough?” 

“No. No, that’s not it.” 

“What is it then?” 

“I don’t know. I just… I feel like if I got any of these I’d... “ He trails off, not sure how to say what he wants to say. 

Kylo waits him out. Hux takes a sip of coffee.  
“I just... “ he shrugs. “You know. My family is. Rich. And I don’t really need stipends? And there are others… others who need them more. Than me.” 

Kylo looks at him but Hux stares straight ahead. He drinks.

“There must be a reason Phasma brought you these pamphlets,” Kylo says softly. 

Hux ducks his head.

“What are you doing here anyways?”

Kylo lets him change the subject. He sits up a little, squaring his shoulders. Hux observes it from the corner of his eye.

“I haven’t seen you… since, um.” Kylo sounds awkward. “I wanted to make sure... “

“I’m fine, Kylo.” Hux says. 

“You freaked me out there,” Kylo chuckles quietly. 

“I’m sorry you had to see me that way. It’s embarrassing.” 

Kylo’s hand wraps softly around Hux’s wrist. “Don’t say that.” 

“What? That I am embarrassed by you, of all people, seeing me that way? Because it’s the truth.” 

Hux meets Kylo’s eyes. There is a frown on his face. On his beautiful face. 

“Of all people?” Kylo whispers, and suddenly the mood changes. Hux notices just how close they sit. 

“I mean… uhh... “ Hux doesn’t know what he meant. Well, he knows. But he doesn’t want Kylo to know. He doesn’t have a way to explain this mishap in speech away though. “I’m. Well.”

They’re looking at each other. Kylo turns a bit in his seat and with the hand not holding Hux’s wrist he takes the coffee mug out of Hux’s grip. He turns a bit towards Hux for that and Hux subconsciously mirrors the move. Then they sit there, opposite each other, next to each other on the couch, and Kylo lifts a hand to cup Hux’s cheek, and Hux. Hux relaxes into it. Kylo’s hand feels so warm and welcome on his skin. Hux lets out a little breath of air and closes his eyes. He feels the couch move with Kylo’s movements and then something soft and warm and a little wet touches his lips, and a bit of stubble scratches his chin. 

They’re kissing, and Hux. Hux doesn’t have the energy to fight this anymore.  
Kylo kisses him like he is something precious. Like he is deserving of this delicate handling. It feels magnanimous and Hux feels a burning deep in his eye sockets. He presses closer to Kylo and twists his fingers into Kylo’s shirt and pulls him closer. Closer. Lets himself fall back and lets Kylo’s big form cover him. 

Kylo keeps kissing him but the only body part of his that is touching Hux are his lips, and Hux wants more. He wraps his arms around Kylo’s waist and pulls him close, pulls him between his legs, and Hux has never felt anything better.

They have to come up for air at some point and Kylo’s voice is breathless when he whispers, “You okay?” 

Hux doesn’t know if he’s okay. But he does know that he wants more. He pulls Kylo back in, and Kylo comes gladly. They make out and their bodies slide against each other and Hux is getting hard. Hard against Kylo’s solid abdominals. He shudders and Kylo pulls back. “Hux,” he says. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything but this.” 

“Kylo,” Hux replies. The word is desperate and fearful and delighted all at once. 

Kylo sits up a little and stares down and Hux. Then he smiles, softly. Hux can feel the burning behind his eyes again and he presses his eyes closed. 

“Don’t,” Kylo whispers. Kylo’s hand slides down from cupping his skull to cradle his cheek, and Kylo strokes his thumb over Hux’s eyebrow, then the soft skin beneath Hux’s eye. “Don’t hide from me.”

Hux has hidden his whole life, so he doesn’t know how to not, anymore. “Kiss me,” he demands, and Kylo’s lips find his again. 

Later Hux lies in Kylo’s arms, on his way too small couch, and they both drift in and out of sleep, and just enjoy touching. Kylo’s hands caress his sides, his arms, his face, and Hux feels stupid for how much he craves the touch, now that he knows how it feels. How it makes him feel. 

“I really do hate chocolate,” he says at some point, out of nowhere. 

Kylo and Hux start dating. Kind of. Hux hasn’t really had the guts to admit to not being straight but Kylo and Phasma, and even Rey, are all patient with him. 

Hux also takes a while until he feels ready to apply for stipends. The months of waiting until he hears back from them are full of anxiety. When his dad is on a work trip overseas and he has dinner with his mom, he tells her that he is applying for stipends. She starts crying and he hugs her, and she says “sorry” and apologizes to him for not being stronger. When he says goodbye later, she holds his face and tells him she is proud of him, for the person he is and for the person he is becoming. Hux cries on his way home. 

Kylo greets him at the doorway, because he’s been staying over, and Hux lets himself be wrapped into his big, strong arms even before he gets rid of his jacket. 

Things seem to be going his way ever since his friends encouraged him to become independent from his father. Kylo’s continuing show of patience makes Hux feel especially anxious, because Kylo isn’t a patient person when it comes to so many other things. So Hux pushes himself and then they have an epic fight in which Kylo yells at him that he can’t believe he fell “in love with such an idiot”, and Hux yells back that he can’t believe it either, and then there’s that pinch between Kylo’s eyes again and he tells Hux “shut up, you idiot” and then he presses Hux against a wall and kisses him fiercely. Once he comes up for air, he tells Kylo that his lips are illegal and that he wants them wrapped around his cock so much and before he can say any more, Kylo has dropped to his knees and Hux is getting his first ever blowjob that he can stay hard for. 

Kylo’s blowjobs are illegal as well. 

Weeks later, when Hux signs the forms for a stipend that will let him finish his studies, his hand trembles, and Kylo sees. He waits until they walk outside of the office to push him into an alcove and take that hand and press his lips against Hux’s palm. Hux looks around and when he finds no one standing close, he leans up to plant a quick kiss on Kylo’s mouth.

Hux doesn’t have the guts to call up his father to tell him that he doesn’t have to pay for Hux’s studies anymore. He writes him a letter instead. He gets drunk to write the letter and he doesn’t reread it in the morning before putting it into the mail, because he knows there are more words than are needed to tell his father he doesn’t need his money anymore in it. 

His phone rings two days later, his father’s name on the screen. Hux is perched against his kitchen counter and doesn’t dare take a step closer to the table the phone is lying on. Kylo is watching him from the doorway. The seventh time his ringtone starts up, Kylo grabs the phone off the counter and opens the window and throws it out of it. Hux lives on the third floor. 

Hux, stunned, looks out of the window and sees the broken pieces of his phone lying on the street. 

“You better have Phasma’s number,” he tells Kylo. Then he kisses him. 

When Hux graduates, his father doesn’t show up. Hux is glad of it, because he didn’t invite him. Hux’s mother is there, and they agree to try to salvage their relationship now that she has left Hux’s father. Kylo is sceptical that this is a possibility, but he doesn’t say so. Hux knows anyway, just looking at him. 

And his beautiful fucking face. 

He can’t believe he gets to look at it every single day. Even on the day months after graduation when Kylo punches his father’s and he has to pick him up from the police station. 

 

~ the end

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked this. ✌️
> 
> Also, let's become buds over on tumbl: [whatthehux.tumblr.com](http://whatthehux.tumblr.com)


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